A Fucking Smile

Written By: Eva Grapsias

I met an older man some years ago. I was serving this ‘admired and respected’ member of society ever so enthusiastically, the smile tattooed across my face was fabricated, yet he would never have guessed. He gave a look to my male coworker standing beside me, exchanged a threatening and foreboding smirk with him, and proceeded to open his mouth. ‘I don’t believe in equal pay’, the old man remarked. ‘I bet he does a better job than you, but you both get payed equally’. My smile disintegrated and was replaced with a pair of furrowed eyebrows and eyes filled to their brim with contempt.

‘You looked much prettier a second ago’, exclaimed the old man. ‘where’d that smile of yours go?’ He questioned with a look of accomplishment, as if he had succeeded in fulfilling his goal of proving male superiority and asserting his ever so manly dominance over me. I was indignant. I was fourteen. I was subjected to understanding that a choice would always exist for me, and for every woman alike: deny myself - submit and smile for conveniency, or let the anger in me brew and continuously scream ‘fuck you’. 

I feel as if I was born a feminist. I have always recognised and have given notice to the ache inside of me whenever I came across any kind of discrimination or inequality. I didn’t always know what it was, and this ache never felt good. It ignited fires within my chest and a feeling of a loss of control. How could I, a young girl, have had anything to say that would be worth listening to, or worth instigating a change of beliefs in the mind of someone who benefits off of a society that devalues women and their thoughts and feelings and truths? When I was young, I felt segregated by this ache, as if the ache would never serve me or anyone else. I resented this ache and wished for it to leave me because all I thought that it would do is fill my soul with longing for change that would never occur. Years have gone by and I’ve understood that the ache I have always felt is not unique to me. A longing for change in a sexist society should not be a profound desire, but instinctive and natural. 

I should be recognised by my thoughts and beliefs, rather than the smile I choose to paint across my face every day. I have grown to understand that change is not some unreachable goal, and does not only exist in a fantasy. The voices of women are loud and powerful, and when put together are impossible to ignore. Our synchronised voices can move mountains and start earthquakes, and this process has already commenced. Making the choice to not fabricate a smile on our faces to serve men is the first step.